* All names have been changed to protect the privacy of the people mentioned.
Music (more like noise) blasts from the speakers. People jump haphazardly to the barely distinguishable beat, bumping into one another but not seeming to care. Myself included, minus the not-caring bit. What happened to personal space? I can feel bodies against me on every side: front, back, left, right. There is no way out. All I can do is watch people’s heads bob up and down, see their arms flail wildly in the air. Get me out of here (I should really stop going to school dances).
I have been in that position countless times – not necessarily in such a crowded place, but just somewhere in the company of people whom I did not want to be around, suffocating. But the people were not the problem; it was simply the fact that I was there. I was with others when I wanted to be alone.
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“Language ... has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone.” – Paul Tillich, The Eternal Now
Solitude and loneliness are often (mistakenly) used interchangeably. I will admit that I myself once saw them as one and the same, so I can understand. However, the distinction must be made clear. Both words generally involve a state of being alone (although one does not necessarily have to be alone to feel lonely), but the feelings associated with them are entirely different. Solitude is “a deliberate quest for isolation” as Bill put it. It is an opportunity to remove ourselves from our lives, the people around us, the work we do. It is a time we seek to devote to ourselves, a time for self-reflection and self-discovery. Contrarily, loneliness is a painful state forced upon us. It is the result of ostracism, of not belonging. It is a feeling of separation, one that is “degenerating, detrimental in every way to the health of the human condition.”
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“It's never loneliness that nibbles away at a person's insides, but not having room inside themselves to be comfortably alone.” – Rachel Sontag, House Rules
Perhaps the idea of solitude seems absurd because of this general fear of being alone. I can think of several reasons why we might shy away from being alone, but I am sure there are more. Maybe it is because we see how people who spend time by themselves are perceived - as "loners" – and do not want be known as such. Has it ever occurred to people that perhaps some being alone is a choice as opposed to a position to be forced into? Most likely not because it is difficult to fathom why anyone would choose to be alone. We do not like to go out by ourselves: if we eat alone, shop alone, or watch a movie alone, it must mean that no one wanted to go with us. It makes us pitiful.
Or maybe it is because we think that being alone is selfish because other people or activities are more deserving of our time. There are so many tasks that we must tend to every day. There probably are no enough hours in the day for us to do them all to our best ability. We must manage our time and prioritize our activities. Of course there are people who leave a lot of time for themselves, but there are also those, like myself, who would rather spend that time on others. I cannot think of an explicit reason as to why I feel this way (perhaps it has something to do with my desire to please people – or more correctly stated, my fear of disappointing them), but I value fulfilling other people’s needs over my own. That is kind of pitiful too, how little value many of us probably give ourselves.
Or maybe it is because we are afraid of discovering ourselves. Spending time alone would subject us to our own personalities and desires. I have not thought it much, why we would be afraid of finding out who we are, but it could possibly be a result of the critical role that other people play in shaping who we become. In graduation messages, I feel like I always hear people show their appreciation to family, friends, and teachers by saying “thank you for making me who I am today” or something to that effect. It’s as if we are held up by puppet strings. When we spend time alone, we feel like a puppet whose strings were cut – lost and unable to function. We are so used to being guided, told what to do, that we are afraid to be left to our own devices, to act solely upon our own thinking.
Whatever the reason, we should recognize that being alone doesn’t have to be a bad experience.
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"We are meant to be in relationships with other people, but, just as surely, we are meant to partake of aloneness. To deny this part of our existence is a little like trying to walk the earth on one foot instead of two." – Florence
Naturally, we fall into our own routines, going through the days almost automatically. We’re sort of like robots. High school students’ days generally go something like this: we wake up in the morning and go to school, attend our after school activities, then come home to deal with an overwhelming amount of homework until we finally fall asleep. It’s a cycle that seems to endlessly repeat itself. The weekend goes more or less the same way. We don't have to go to school, but many of us are involved in additional extracurricular activities – be it music lessons, club sports, or volunteering – and we also like to go out with friends (of course there is homework to do, as well). All of which require interacting with others. (Except the homework, but that still doesn't leave us entirely alone. As Kimberly* so nicely put it, “being alone but being surrounded and inundated with homework does not qualify as solitude, but rather as lonely misery.”)
There seems to be this notion that we need social interactions to thrive. What’s a person who doesn’t go to parties? Or someone who declines an invitation to a weekend outing? That’s right: lonely, unsuccessful, unimportant. What a sad misconception. Our society is practically centered around communication and social interactions (much to my dismay, especially considering that I fall on the introverted side of the spectrum). We are judged by the power of our voices, the skill with which me convince others to follow our lead, the strength of our first impressions. We are taught that to be successful is to put ourselves out there, making ourselves known so that we may build our social networks, forging connections that will help us in the future. Because alone, we are like a single puzzle piece – worthless. Only when we find the other pieces does something become of us.
We, as programmed robots, are often controlled by expectations – expectations of parents and friends, bosses and coworkers, even social norms. We are told what we should do, how we should behave, who we should be. Given that so much of our lives are dependent on others, it’s easy to see how we can forget, or possibly never even know, who we are.
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“There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying.” – Sarah Dessen, Just Listen
Living our lives without knowing (and appreciating) who we are is a waste of our existence. If we do not know who we are, neither will other people. They may know who we seem to be, but anyone can lie about that (personas, facades, fake identities). With all the hustle and bustle of day-to-day life, the only way we can truly figure out who we are is to be alone. Bye ourselves, so that we may only be allowed to act and think as we naturally would, not subject to outside influences.
A lot of good can come from spending time with ourselves. We are most creative when we are alone because we can just be, freely and openly. We do not have to think or worry, just do. Solitude allows us to take a break from society to spend quality time with ourselves. Time that teaches us about ourselves and helps us discover what matters most to us when we are (not so subtly) held up by those puppet strings, being controlled by other people’s opinions. It is time that does not simply teach us about ourselves, but also to appreciate the people we discover.
Solitude should not be looked down upon or feared; it should be a pleasant experience, one we seek for good reason. As Katherine said to me, “solitude is essential to sanity. People should have – or rather, they need – time to process, time to think, or time to simply be. Solitude implies a certain calm and privacy that I think all people should have, at least once in a while.” As much as we may fear the thought of being alone, for whatever the reason, it is essential that we try to overcome it. The gifts that solitude can provide for us – those of self-discovery, innovation, understanding – are worth taking a chance for.
“I realise now that I wanted to disappear. To get so lost that nobody ever found me. To go so far away that I'd never be able to make my way home again. But I have no idea why.”– Jessica Warman, Between
As with everything good, something bad lurks not too far behind. Solitude provides for us a place to be alone. The fact that we are alone is not really what matters, though; what matters is what we do with the time that we have to ourselves. Solitude takes us away from the usual chaos of our lives. We should use it to relax and just think for ourselves, not caring what other people think for a change. But see, the point of not caring what people think that solitude provides lures us in, making it easy to fall into the trap – to exploit solitude.
Wherever I am, really, I can’t help but feel exposed, as if people are watching me and making judgments. It is the reason I prefer not to talk in class (I fear giving an incorrect answer and being ridiculed for it). And the reason I am very careful of how and how much I eat in public (people probably do not even pay any attention to me, but the thought of being watched as I eat makes me cringe). What’s the easiest way to avoid this looming criticism (and any other problem)? Ignore, run, hide. Solitude allows me to do that, so why would I not? I seek solitude to escape my problems, which only reinforces my insecurities (I do recognize this). But it should not be a means of escape. That would make solitude no better than drugs or alcohol. I feel like it has an addictive quality to it, also. The more we indulge ourselves in solitude, the easier it becomes to be alone and the more we seek to be so. As much as I recognize that I only hurt myself by seeking solitude to avoid facing difficulties, I still find it hard to resist the temptation of solitude’s comforting embrace in the face of trouble.
Brooke and I are similar in that sense. We both use solitude as a means of avoidance. About an experience she missed out on because of fear of social judgment, she recalls: “I didn't go to Senior Camp. And this was mostly because I was afraid of embarrassing myself in front of everyone and I felt that everyone would laugh at me. So I spent that entire weekend locked in my room instead of enjoying the experience.”
I can relate completely. I actually went to Senior Camp, but I, too, did not want to – or rather, was afraid to. As soon as I turned in my payment, I started regretting my decision, thinking about how much better off I could have been just staying at home that weekend. Even now, I cannot really say whether or not it was worth it, which I assume puts me more toward the ‘no’ side. However, that does not make it any less sad that Brooke and I seek to avoid situations because we expect something bad to come out of them. It is not fair of us to assume, nor is it fair of us to take such experiences away from ourselves. What makes it even more sad, though, is that I think we both realize that there is fault in our logic. I tell myself that most people are probably not paying attention to me or thinking as much about my mistakes as I am, and I believe it too, but I still cannot get myself to act accordingly. I still want to avoid the situation entirely. Brooke also finds herself avoiding even if the result is not what she would assume. She said, “I don't feel like solitude solves any of my problems. However, I still do it nonetheless because it’s easier to just run away than to face everything.”
As much as Brooke and I may realize that solitude does not fulfill its expected role (expectations are everywhere) of relieving us of our worries, we still turn to it. I think it is because we do not yet have the ability to deal with ourselves and our issues in a positive way. We exploit solitude because we are comfortable doing so, even if it has little effect on the way we feel. We are doing what my friend Trisha warned that people should not do: “seek solitude simply to avoid and repress emotions” as opposed to “come to terms with them.” We have not yet learned to utilize solitude as a time to be alone with ourselves so that we may understand what we are feeling and how it affects us, which is a rightful purpose that solitude should serve. But I’m sure we can get there if we try.
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Solitude itself can be either good or bad, depending on what we do when we take our alone time and how often we do so. But with the better understanding of solitude that I (and hopefully you, as well) now have, I think that I (we) can use it thoughtfully and effectively rather than treat it with contempt or use it unjustly. I will finish with one last quote, from Alice Koller: “Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your won presence rather than of the absence of others. Because solitude is an achievement.” Do not fear solitude any longer; embrace it and discover who you truly are.
Whew. Too. Many. Words. Huh? If you made it to the end, I commend you. And thank you, of course. :]
